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Hedonism is all I appear to have left. Or is that just an excuse for my immoral behaviour? Do I believe my own lies in order to really deceive others more skilfully? I’m having a mid-life crisis. Fack. My whole life has been a facking crisis: c***dhood anxiety giving way to teenage angst. I pick up a copy of The Daily Sport which a passenger has given me from the day before. I read the ‘massage’ ads. One stands out: Blonde 21 year old with tanned 36-24-36 figure, Bournemouth. I ring the number. She’s working today. I know it’s illicit… and that’s what makes it exciting. What if I get caught? I ask myself… think of the shame. You won’t get caught… it’ll be fun! I’m in a dilemma. I toss a coin – tails. I go. I catch a bus to Yarmouth, a ferry to Lymington and two trains to Bournemouth. A group of school c***dren board the train. I imagine them singing: We know where you’re going, we know where you’re going!’ I get a grip of myself. I get closer to my dirty destination. My excitement…. ”“I think in this case you were doing both, but that’s fine. Keep going.”“That’s it.” He said.“That can’t be it,” I said, automatically.“Well, before we get in bed, you let me look at you,” he said. “My favorite dream is when you get out of the shower and you’re naked and you tell me it’s time for bed and we get in bed together ... naked ... and you hug me and we go to sleep that way.”I reminded myself he hadn’t been on any dates. He hadn’t necked with a girl. He hadn’t tried things with a girl.He didn’t know what happened when a boy and girl got naked in bed. No, he did know. I was the one who had educated him on that. But his dream hadn’t progressed that far.I probably should have left it right there. What he was thinking of in his sleep was as innocuous and innocent as the day is long. It wasn’t hurting him, and it wouldn’t hurt me if it happened every single night.The problem was that he did know what a boy and girl did when they got in bed naked.And he was going to end up.
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